I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
You Might Also Like
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
huge if true: the moon
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.