I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
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78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.