Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
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Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great