DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
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[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
I can’t stop laughing at this
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis