Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
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I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*