*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
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Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
happy mother’s day❤️
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school