BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
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We cut our bangs at dawn.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
The big book of baby names but for safe words