Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
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WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
incredible book dedication