Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
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11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.