[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
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3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
what?
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys