Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
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I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Hot hot hot 🥵
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.