I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
You Might Also Like
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
🤣🤣🤣
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn