They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
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It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Donkey Kong sommelier
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)