A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
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You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.