Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
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*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet