My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
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Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
My wedding will be open casket.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE