Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
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God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
*orders delivery*
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Sooo many times…..
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter