HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
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[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
No chill.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.