if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
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11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
I have no passwords left in me
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*