My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
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Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
security at the airport getting more straightforward
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*