its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
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[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
🤣
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.