You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
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My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
There is no “ea” in Tim.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid