16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
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It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
They grow up so quick
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”