Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
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Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
6. me as a lawyer
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through