Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
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Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you