throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
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Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
shit just got real
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.