[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
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I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.