WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
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Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
mmm onion ringos
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
My love language is hissing.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain