If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
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If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can