My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
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Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
*bites zombie*
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
My what?
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”