Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
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My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Come back with a warrant
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!