The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
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*pronounces fake like saké*
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
lot going on here, legally speaking.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.