It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
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Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
I missed you with all my darts
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.