Oh thanks BBC.
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If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
We’re all getting idioter.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week