No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
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Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?