– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
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“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.