no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
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your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.