I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
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If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
new career option?
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”