Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
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Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses