boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
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@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
12653.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300