Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
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Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
LMAO
FRED: right
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.