[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
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[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”