I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!