Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
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Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Siri, fight Alexa.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.