I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
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Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
they finally got him. they got macavity
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”