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Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
We like the way Dwight thinks
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.