[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
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TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive