just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
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Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?