ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
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Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.