Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
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Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.